Even though this is a meta skill, so to speak, upon reflection it may be one of the most important ones you can develop.
My first reaction to this kind of guidance has always been somewhat negative, as I don’t want to feel limited or weak. I don’t want to accept that I find it really hard to have certain limits that others don’t. Here’s the thing though – these limits are dynamic, so you don’t have to resign to the fact that you’ll never be able to attend a crowded concert (or whatever other fear you may have). In a few years time, you may find that you’ve completely forgotten about your old fear. We underestimate how much we can change, especially over the medium to long term, and this is even more the case when we really put in the work.
It’s important that you’re aware of your limitations and struggles, individually and as a whole, as the consequences of ignoring them can knock you back hard. You may have taken one step forward by facing a certain fear, but if you don’t do so compassionately, and instead stomp all over your limits, you could easily find yourself knocked back 100 steps. So not a smart move. Like everything in life, it’s about balance. What we’re trying to achieve is progress, slow consistent growth in the direction of the person we want to become. This process has to be conscious, full of self compassion, or we will very ironically end up moving backwards or just treading water at best.
I’ve written a post about my experience doing Vipassana (a 10 day silent retreat), which is a perfect example of the above risks. It’s an extremely tough psychological experience, which I forced myself to complete with the naive idea that it would somehow cleanse me of all my difficulties. I really wasn’t ready for it, and it actually ended up propelling me into the absolute worse period of my life. This was seven years ago, but in some ways I still haven’t got back to where I was before that experience. It knocked me down and pushed me back so hard.
I clearly wouldn’t do something like vipassana again anytime soon, but the experiences don’t need to be anywhere near as extreme to have these kinds of very negative effects. A couple of years ago I went on a rather innocuous trip to Mexico with some friends, but it had a similar effect on me. After having lived a very solitary life for the duration of the covid years, taking a long haul flight to somewhere as dangerous and crowded as Mexico was just too much of a shock for my nervous system. At the time it felt like a healthy challenge, and an opportunity to spend some quality time with some of my best friends, but I felt a mental health hangover from it for at least a whole year.
To illustrate how careful and thoughtful you should be, I will share my most recent example: just a few weeks ago, having started to intentionally focus way more of my time and attention on ‘fixing’ my anxiety, I came across a yoga retreat that also offered participants the opportunity to spend time and interact with rescued horses. It sounded like the perfect long weekend escape that ticked all the boxes. I was so looking forward to being immersed in nature, phone off, and just having the chance to have some really wholesome healthy days. Unfortunately things didn’t quite go to plan, as during the second day I had a bad panic attack during a yoga class. So what went wrong?
I’m coming to believe that it’s important to focus on one thing at a time. If we’re pushing the boundaries and challenging ourselves on one front, we want everything else to feel safe, so as we exposes ourselves to the new perceived risk, we can counter balance the strain with an easily accessible set of comforts that we’re still holding on to. In this example, there were no major challenges that I was undertaking, but I made the mistake of underestimating the weight of lots of smaller triggers stacked on top of each other:
* At this retreat, we were in quite a remote location, which can be a challenge for me. In the back of my mind I was wondering what would happen if I had an accident? Was there any phone coverage to call for help? Would the ambulance be able to get down the narrow dirt road? How far away was the nearest hospital?
* It was also extremely hot and dry. I’ve had a fear of extreme weather for quite some time, especially the heat, as I have an old belief that it would be very easy to faint in the heat, especially without having had a good amount of water and food. So I was employing some safety behaviours around this fear too, making sure I had snacks with me and always carrying my water bottle around with me like some kind of pale camel.
* My biggest difficulty before the retreat had become having sit down meals with other people, especially at restaurants. I would almost without fail start breathing too fast, feeling a bit dizzy, and become overtaken by the fear of passing out. This was another challenge at the retreat, as all meals were shared with the whole group.
* As luck would have it, we happened to be in the very short period of the year during which I suffer from allergies! Even though I’ve never had any severe reaction (usually just runny nose, itchy eyes and a lot of sneezing), somehow the fear of potentially having a worse allergic reaction is always in the back of my mind. I started thinking about my throat closing up, and the idea of not being able to breathe well terrifies me. We were really in the middle of nature and constantly walking through tall grasses to be with the horses, so my allergies were definitely making themselves known.
* Last but not least, I had the bad fortune of finding two ticks on me, one of which had already bitten me. I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it, but I was already thinking about taking antibiotics, worrying whether it may have had lyme disease or other unpleasant diseases.
The environment was wonderful and my intentions good, but my mind and nervous system had five different things to worry about, all at the same time. This didn’t leave me with a safe space to retreat back into. I was constantly exposed to too many fears, and ultimately that crashed the system. The unfortunate thing about these kinds of panic attacks is that they’re a bit like cutting the power from your computer without saving your work. The reboot is going to take time and effort, and you will have likely lost the things you were previously working on.
For a whole week after getting back from the retreat I was in a really bad state. Constantly focusing on my breathing, unable to let my body do its thing, having frequent sudden moments of panic. My life was further limited as my fears had become worsened and sadly some of the things that previously nourished me such as yoga, now felt scary as I was starting to associate them with the panic I had experienced during the retreat.
These setbacks that I sometimes feel after overdoing it are connected to anxiety, but honestly they feel very physical. I get knocked down and suddenly seem to be more sensitive to certain stimuli. I’ve learned that what’s actually going on is that my nervous system has taken a hit and become dysregulated. It takes less of an input for it to react, and it will do so in more pronounced ways.
Our nervous systems really don’t like fast change, so when working on strengthening them and teaching them that certain situations or feelings are actually OK and safe, the key is to go slow. The most helpful thing I’ve come across is magnesium (I wrote a whole separate post about it here). In those critical moments right after an overwhelming experience, taking magnesium has given me an almost immediate sense of calm. It’s the best thing I’ve found so far. It seems to nourish and calm the nervous system down.
Ideally we never let the nervous system get to these points of overwhelm. Hard to say whether it’s nature or nurture, but I do think that anxiety sufferers seem to have a significantly more sensitive nervous system than average. This is not good or bad. Being more sensitive can be a superpower in many other facets of life. We simply have to embrace and bear in mind our nervous system’s level of sensitivity and try very hard to never destabilize it too much. I think this can be tackled from both directions.
Do things that calm your nervous system down such as yoga, massage, or whatever other activity you find calming and nourishing. From the other end, strengthen it in smart ways such as exercise, cold exposure and I’m sure there are many other options that I need to do further research into.
When it comes to challenging it with the goal of facing your fears, remember what’s at stake. Try to give it plenty of safety, while pushing forward on only one very specific issue. Let’s say you’re working on your fear of the heat. Try and do the exposure close to home, in a place you know, with people you trust. That way your nervous system can tolerate way more strain in terms of the heat, as it feels safe in so many other ways.
Ultimately, in order to overcome anxiety we do need to face our fears, but I don’t think it can be overstated how important it is to do it in a gradual and compassionate way. Pushing too hard and too fast is extremely counterproductive. Please take care.